Grieving on the Internet
Today's blog is rather somber in nature, but I've lately done a lot of thinking about how we grieve in the digital age. My best friend since the age of 9 lost her mother to a sudden and quick bout of cancer three months ago. The timing for such a loss is never good, but in this case, it was particularly hard, as my friend, at age 24, was getting married two weeks later.
My friend is a private person and likely would not have mentioned the loss on social media, had it not been for the barrage of timeline posts and messages she suddenly received. While all the messages and posts were no doubt sent with good intentions, to my friend, and largely to me, it felt strange. It was odd in a way that is hard to articulate to see folks come out of the woodwork and send messages of condolence after not having spoken to my friend (or even met her mother) for many years.
She did appreciate the support and expressed that appreciation to me, but in a way, it felt like people were jumping on a sort of grief bandwagon, not wanting to be the only ones not to send a word of condolence or support. Even odder, is those who still haven't heard about the passing and tag her mother in silly facebook memes (her profile is still up) without realizing. Just last week I got a notification to wish her mother happy birthday; at least two dozen people did send a birthday message, seemingly without being aware of the news.
Her mother's birthday was immeasurably hard for my friend and it was made somewhat harder by seeing notifications of out-of-touch friends sending birthday messages to a mother who was no longer with us. Social media allows us to connect in ways that would be otherwise impossible, but I feel it can add this element of detachment or bandwagon emotions in situations like this. But I accept that I am likely a cynic; there's no right or wrong way to grieve, just as there isn't necessarily a right way to express grief, so I suppose it comes down to good intentions and hopefully those prevail. (I do know my friend is very thankful for a small group of friends with whom she leans on, often through social media messaging, so perhaps its more of the public showcase of grief that made her uncomfortable, rather than those expressing it.)
My friend is a private person and likely would not have mentioned the loss on social media, had it not been for the barrage of timeline posts and messages she suddenly received. While all the messages and posts were no doubt sent with good intentions, to my friend, and largely to me, it felt strange. It was odd in a way that is hard to articulate to see folks come out of the woodwork and send messages of condolence after not having spoken to my friend (or even met her mother) for many years.
She did appreciate the support and expressed that appreciation to me, but in a way, it felt like people were jumping on a sort of grief bandwagon, not wanting to be the only ones not to send a word of condolence or support. Even odder, is those who still haven't heard about the passing and tag her mother in silly facebook memes (her profile is still up) without realizing. Just last week I got a notification to wish her mother happy birthday; at least two dozen people did send a birthday message, seemingly without being aware of the news.
Her mother's birthday was immeasurably hard for my friend and it was made somewhat harder by seeing notifications of out-of-touch friends sending birthday messages to a mother who was no longer with us. Social media allows us to connect in ways that would be otherwise impossible, but I feel it can add this element of detachment or bandwagon emotions in situations like this. But I accept that I am likely a cynic; there's no right or wrong way to grieve, just as there isn't necessarily a right way to express grief, so I suppose it comes down to good intentions and hopefully those prevail. (I do know my friend is very thankful for a small group of friends with whom she leans on, often through social media messaging, so perhaps its more of the public showcase of grief that made her uncomfortable, rather than those expressing it.)
Thank you for sharing your story. The internet does allow for some odd situations that wouldn’t ordinarily happen otherwise. When it’s something as serious you’ve described it does make you reflect on the purpose and meaning behind it all. I think you express valid concerns for the internet crossing into uncharted waters. While we carefully poke our toe in the social sea of life it is alarming how fast the changes keep coming. I hope you can work through these troubling times and perhaps the internet will figure it out someday. Sounds like she was a lovely person.
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